Looking After Yourself as a Mum of a Girl: Understanding Stress and Body Signals

0:01 This week the episode isn't about her. It's about you. And I really need you to stay with me for this one. Hiya, and welcome back to the Teen Whisperer. The podcast for mums of girls everywhere, whether they're a tween, a teen, or a young woman. Today I'm turning the lens completely around. Because for the last two weeks, at least, we've talked about her nervous system, because that's what I'm about. What's happening in her body, what she needs, and all of that matters enormously, because I am the person who talks nervous system 24-7.

0:43 The connection between play, sensory, social media, self-harming, and the nervous system. But today, today is yours. This episode is all about you. Because here's something I don't think anyone said to you lately. You are carrying something really heavy, and if you never put it down, even for a minute, your body is eventually going to make that decision for you. And it will not be at a convenient time. It will not be quiet and it absolutely will not be on your terms. I know this 100% because this has happened to me.

1:23 My world was turned upside down two and a half years ago when I completely smashed my wrist whilst out on a dog walk. I broke both bones spectacularly, dislocated my radioalna joint, needed two surgeries, had two infections, and have had two and a half years of rehab. So yeah, I get it a hundred percent. I understand. And also I'm a mum. So yes, I'm with you wherever you are in that space right now. And by the way, I'm also a health play specialist, a coach, and a mentor. So yeah, let's talk about it and let's dive in.

2:03 So can I describe something to you? You are the mum who keeps going 24-7. Whatever the frig is going on. You hold it together because someone has to. If you give up, who else is going to pick it up for you? You do the school runs, the appointments, the googling at midnight, and the lying awake running through every conversation from the day before, wondering if you said the wrong thing. You've become an absolute expert in performing okayness. That tight smile at pickup? Fine, thanks. Just taking it one day at a time.

2:40 When actually you're running on empty and you genuinely cannot remember the last time you either cried properly or laughed properly, or actually just felt like yourself and did the things that make you sing. And underneath all of that, you are scared and exhausted, and you love your daughter so much, but you don't know where to put it. This is what I'm talking about today, and I want you to know what you're carrying is real, very, very real. It's heavy and you are allowed to feel it. So here's the bit that I find really important to understand because once you get this, it stops being about whether you're coping in invert commas, well enough, and starts being about biology.

3:27 And biology is not a moral failing. So when we're under sustained stress, not just a bad week, but the kind of low, slow pressure that's actually means supposed to say long, slow pressure, that comes from months and months of supporting somebody who's struggling, our bodies produce stress hormones. 24-7 adrenaline cortisol.

3:54 The nervous system mobilizes, same as we talked about with her, and just like with her, that activation needs somewhere to go. It needs to move through the body. But most of us, especially mums, especially women who've been told their whole lives to hold it together, we intercept it. We catch the emotion before it can land. We think, not now, I need to be present for her. Not now, she needs me to be okay. Not now, if I start, I won't stop. And so we hold it really, really tightly. And the body, our brilliant, relentless body, will keep going.

4:34 For a really long time, actually. It will keep performing, but at some point it will insist on completing what you wouldn't let it complete. For some of us, that looks like that unexpected cry that comes from absolutely nowhere, that makes no sense. You're in the car, a song comes on, and suddenly you're absolutely howling and you don't even know why. For some, it's getting sick. The immune system holds on whilst the pressure is high, and then the moment things finally ease, bam, you're down with the flu, a cold, whatever it is.

5:10 I had a friend who literally did this who worked on her dance school all year, obviously. School holidays appeared, and she went down with every single illness there was. She was flawed. For some, it's rage that's completely out of proportion. Not because you've lost the plot, but because months of held emotion finally found a door that was slightly ajar. And for some, it's just nothing. It's that numbness, that flatness, that emptiness after all that intensity. The nervous system finally switching the alarm off because it simply cannot sustain that level of output anymore.

5:50 None of this is weakness. All of it is the body doing exactly what it was going to do. The only question is whether you get to choose that moment or whether the body chooses it for you. As I say, my injury flawed me for two and a half years. It stopped me doing what I was doing as a business, and I pivoted completely 100% into what I'm doing right now with you guys. So I want to talk about permissioned release, which sounds very fancy, very posh, but is in fact actually just letting a little out on purpose before the body has to force it all out at once.

6:26 And it does not need to be a big thing. It does not need to be a therapy session or a spa day or a weekend away. Does not have to be expensive. Although, if you can get a weekend away, please do. You deserve it enormously. It can be teeny diny weeny. Three minutes in a hot shower where you just let the weight land. A walk, just a walk, not a fitness walk, not a doing something useful walk, just a walk, where you give yourself full permission to not be okay for 20 minutes. Nobody to perform for, just you.

7:00 It can be writing in your notes app. It can be recording an audio. It can be journaling in a beautiful leather-bound book with a cup of herbal tea. It could be sitting outside for 10 minutes in the sun or in the rain, depending on where you live. It could be just opening your phone and typing something. This is genuinely me. I'm so tired. I don't know what I'm doing. I love her so much, but I'm scared. Just getting it out of your body and into something else, even your phone, just takes some of the pressure off.

7:38 Because feelings and thoughts that live inside us press outward against our edges. The moment they're externalised, they're written down, they're said out loud, even whispered to yourself in the car, they lose that bit of weight. It stops ruminating round and round and round and round and you get the gist in your head 24-7. It can even be sitting in the car in the driveway for 20 minutes after the school run, not scrolling, not solving, just breathing, just letting your body know. You don't have to perform right now.

8:11 We're alone. You can put it down for a bit.

8:16 You can also wait, move it out of your body. Movement is the one best body reset we have. Literally, just bop. So I'm currently still sitting on my yoga ball because that's where I record all my podcast episodes, and I'm bopping back and forth, back and forth. I'm doing my balance work on my bot on my ball. This gets it out of the body. This is what it's all about. It's about shifting it out, it's about giving you space and having a bit of fun whilst you're at it. So here's the reframe I want you to I want to leave you with today, and I want you to let it land in your body, not just your head.

8:58 It is tough, and that is okay. Not it's tough, but I'll get through it. Not it's tough, but she needs me. Just it's tough, and that's okay. Both things. Equally true, equally allowed. You are doing something hard. Hard feelings. Hard things feel hard. That's not failure, that is just being honest with yourself. And I want to say one more thing, because I mean it, and I don't think we say it enough. The fact that you're here listening to this, trying to understand what's going on in her body and yours, that is not nothing.

9:36 That is extraordinary. The love underneath what you're doing every single day is extraordinary. You just need somewhere to put it down sometimes. Not because you can't carry it, not because you're a failure, not because you're worthless. But even the strongest people need a minute to themselves. Your nervous system matters, you matter. Not just as a regular regulated resource for your daughter, although you are that, of course, as well. And it helps enormously for her nervous system and yours, but as a person, a whole person who is struggling with something really hard and deserves to be held by something too.

10:18 So here's just one teeny tiny thing I want you to do this week. And yeah, I said that. One! Choose your version of permissioned release and do it. The shower, the walk, the notes app, the journaling, the bopping on a ball, the going out for a walk in the sun, sitting outside for 10 minutes sipping a cup of tea, the car in the driveway, whatever feels like the lowest barrier right now. Do that. Not for her, for you. And when that guilt shows up, because it will, we are extremely well trained to feel guilty for attending to ourselves.

10:55 We've been told time and time again that self-care is selfish. You just need to do a bit more self-care, but we can't do it. You need to focus on everyone else before you. Do you know what? Sod it. Try the reframe on and just try it. It's tough, and that is okay, it will get better. I am allowed to struggle whilst doing something hard. So if this one landed for you today, please share it. Send it to a mum who needs it because this message needs to reach way more people than it's not right now. And if you're doing all of this completely alone, if there's nobody in your life who really gets what it's like to parent a girl, the world doesn't quite know how to hold.

11:39 There is a place. The WTF program is a space full of mums who get it. No judgment, no fear, no performing okayness, just mums in the middle of it, in the thick of it, doing it together. It just helps so much to have other mums around you who get it, who understand what you're going through. So, yeah, the links in the show notes. And take care and remember, you're doing way better than you think. So give yourself a massive hug and see you next week. Take care. Dadae.