The Most Powerful Parenting Tool for Girls' Mental Health You Didn't Know You Had

You are already one of the most powerful regulation tools your daughter has. You just don't know you're using it or doing it. And today we're going to talk about how to do it on purpose. So even though you've got no idea what I'm talking about, hey ho. Hiya, and welcome back to the Teen Whisperer. The podcast for mums of girls everywhere, whether your daughter's a teen a tween, a teen, or a young adult, it does not matter in the slightest. This podcast is for you. And this week I'm going to talk about something that I think is genuinely one of the most important things I will ever say on this podcast.

Amongst others, of course. Co-regulation. Now before your eyes glaze over at the slightly clinical sounding word, stick with me. Because what I'm actually talking about is this. Your nervous system talks to hers all the time, 24-7, without either of you saying a single word. And when you understand how that works and how to use it intentionally, it's an absolute game changer. This is not about being perfect. In fact, I don't believe in perfectionism. This is not about being endlessly calm in a way that no actual human being can actually do.

This is about understanding what your presence actually does for her and how to use it when it counts. So yeah, I'm also a mum. So 100 100% get where you're coming from. And added to that, I'm a health play specialist, a coach, and a mentor as well. So yeah, let's go. So right, you know that thing when you walk into a room and you can just feel it when you feel like you cut the atmosphere with a knife. That atmosphere, the tension, you haven't said anything, she hasn't said anything, but something shifts the moment you're in the same space.

Sometimes it's good. She visibly settles a bit, relaxes, comes back into herself. And sometimes, honestly, your stress walks in before you do, and she picks it up immediately. And suddenly everyone's on edge, and you're not entirely sure how the heckens it escalated so frigging fast. This is what I'm talking about today. This is co-regulation or the absence of it. And it's happening in your house every single day, whether you're aware of it or not. The question is, how do we make it work for us instead of against us?

Well, do you know what? I'm so glad you asked. Yes, I know you didn't, but hey, I've got to pretend. I'm talking to myself. So let's talk about what co-regulation actually is, because it's simpler than it sounds, and it's also kind of a miraculous ding when you understand it. It's like waving that magic wand. Woo-hoo! Human beings, well, all of us really are wired to regulate their nervous system through connection with other nervous systems. We're not designed to regulate alone. We never were. From the moment a baby is born, their entire nervous system is looking outward to a caregiver, to a mum, a dad, foster parent, whoever you are, to a warm body, to a heartbeat, they recognize to learn whether the world is safe.

That's not neediness, that is biology. Simple fact. That's exactly how we were designed. And it doesn't stop when they become teenagers. I know it can feel like it does when she's in a room with a door shut, and the last thing she seems to want is you anywhere near her. But actually, underneath all of that, her nervous system is still doing exactly what it did when she was small. Still scanning, still asking, is there a safe person nearby? Is it okay? Can I come back? Can I calm? And your nervous system is the answer.

And here's the sciencey bit, and yeah, I'm gonna keep it brief because that's what I'm about. There's something called heart rate variability, which is basically the measure of how flexible and regulated your nervous system is. It's your heart rate, state the obvious. And research shows that when two people are in close proximity, like when you're having a hug, when she's going through a hard time, their heart rate variability actually starts to synchronize. So your heart rate will synchronize her heart rate, even if she's in that moment of overwhelm and stress, and I can't deal with it.

Her body literally starts to follow the rhythm of yours. Not through words, through presence. Which means, and this is the bit I really want you to sit with, when you're regulated, her nervous system has something safe to sink to. And when you're dysregulated, wound up, anxious, bracing for a fight, she picks on that too, picks up on that too. Before you've opened your mouth. As I've said this before, we have the heart rate rhythms around our body, which is kind of like one metre outside from your body.

If you enter a room and you're feeling really inside, but you've got a big smile on your face, she's gonna get really confused because she can see the smile, but she can feel that tension. However, if you go in feeling all calm in your body and your face says you're calm, she picks up on that and regulates her own nervous system. Not rocket science, simplicity.

Now, I'm not saying this to make you feel like you have to be perfectly zen at all times because that's not real life, is it? Not realistic, and frankly, it sounds exhausting. What I am saying, however, is your state matters, your breath matters, your steadiness matters. Not because you have to perform calm, but because genuine regulation in your body creates a genuine safe signal of safety for hers. So what does that actually look like? Do you know what? I'm so glad you fast. Yeah, again, I know you haven't.

It looks like breath, specifically breathing slowly and deeply before you get into a difficult conversation or a difficult room. Not a big dramatic thing, sitting cross-legged, fingers together. No. Anyway, just three slow breaths all the way down to the bottom of your lungs. If you breathe at the tops of your lungs, so you breathe that shallow breathing and you feel like you're having a panic attack, that's where you're breathing from, the top of your lungs. But slow, deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calming and the rest and the subtle response, which is what we need, and it does it fast.

Then the heart rate drops. Your shoulders come down from being used as earrings, your voice changes, it goes from and that matters way more than you think because she hears the regulation in your voice before she hears your words. It looks like presence, not talking, not fixing, not coming in with a plan and a list of suggestions, which yep, we all go down that route, and I did it again recently. Just being in the room, near her, available, a warm, steady body nearby that her nervous system can work towards.

Sometimes that's sitting on the edge of her bed saying nothing. Sometimes it's been in the kitchen when she comes downstairs, sometimes it's just existing in the same space without an agenda. It's not doing nothing as for a troll, time and time again. In fact, I had a conversation with my sister-in-law yesterday when she said she spent the day doing nothing, and then she said, It's not what I needed to do, or something to that effect, and I just went, It is. Your body needed to rest, your body needed that regulation, your body needed that time out, and that's okay.

And this is one of the most powerful things we can offer. It looks like steadiness, continuity, showing up the same way day after day after day, even when she pushes back, even when she says she doesn't want you there. She does, by the way. She wants you, she needs you more than she's ever needed you at any other time in her life. But she doesn't know it. Even when it feels completely thankless, and you're just thinking, I can't do this anymore. Her nervous system is tracking your pattern and the message it receives, it's here's she's still there, she's still here wrong way around.

She keeps coming back, so that's you. You keep coming back, it's safe. That massive message lands in the body, not the brain. She won't thank you for it, but it is working. And then, because this is the bit that trips people up, knowing when to step closer and when to step back. Stepping closer looks like lowering your voice, slowing down, sitting at her level, removing the agenda completely. It's the moment where you stop trying to solve it and just be with it, with her. That shift from fixing mode to presence mode is something she feels in her body before she understands it in her head.

Your body has to pass on that message. Then the brain gets the message. Stepping back looks like I'm here when you're ready. Not I'm leaving because you've upset me. Not I give up. Just I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not going to crowd you either. That distinction matters. The nervous system reads the difference between rejection and respectful silence space. And you can signal which one it is saying. You can signal which one it is without saying very much at all. Can't ring me on writing. So one thing this week, and yeah, one deeny diny thing this week.

That's all I want from you guys, and it's this before you go into a difficult moment with her, a conversation you've been dreading, the room she's been in, oh joy, the dinner table that's been tense all week. Stop. Literally stop. Take three slow breaths all the way down into your belly. So, as I've talked about before, one hand on your belly, one hand in your chest, and breathe in and feel your hands rise as you breathe in through your nose, and then breathe out through your mouth. And feel your hands lower as you squeeze that air out of your lungs, and then breathe in.

And breathe out.

And guess what? Breathe in and breathe out through your mouth.

That's it. If you're sitting down, great, feel your feet on the floor. If you're standing, obviously, feel your feet on the floor. Otherwise, you have to be wherever the word is. Uh anyway, drop your shoulders and then go in when you're regulated, when you're relaxed. Not because you have to be perfect, not because one breath fixes everything, but because you're walking in as a regulated nervous system and her body will notice, even if she doesn't, you are her anchor through and through. You always have been, and now you know how to use it.

So if this one resonated today, please hit subscribe and share it with a mum who needs it. This stuff deserves to reach way more mums than it's not right now. And if you're listening to this thinking, I want to understand more. I want to actually learn how to use this in my house with my daughter in the real messy moments. That's exactly what a connection call is for. It's just a conversation. Me and you. We look at what's going on in your house, what your daughter is going through, what you've already tried, and actually where my programs can help.

No pressure, no pitch, just clarity. Link to book is in the show notes. So take care and remember you are doing way better than you think. So have a wonderful week. See you next week.

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