What Counts as Movement When She Won't Leave Her Room - Parenting Teen Girls

0:00 If the only movement you're offering her is a walk, you've already lost her. And this week we're going way, way smaller than that. That wasn't what you would think I was going to say. Hiya, and welcome back to the Teen Whisperer, the podcast of mums of girls everywhere, whether they're a tween, a teen, or a young woman. I'm here to support you. I'm Rach Friedley, Healthplay specialist, fellow mum, and the person who is about to tell you that a late night trip to a supermarket absolutely counts as doing something different.

0:34 Well, sort of. Anyway, so last week we talked about why stress lives in the body and has to move through the body to leave it. If you haven't heard that one yet, go back and listen. It sets this up perfectly. Because today is the follow-up I get asked for constantly. The one where you say, yes, Rachel, I get it. Movement, brilliant. But she will not leave her room. She won't go for a walk. She won't do anything. What do I actually do with her? And yeah, just want to say I get it 100% because what I've just described is my daughter in a teacup.

1:11 Anyway, this one's for you. So let's go. So right, so you've got a daughter who's in a room with you there. Maybe she's been in there a lot lately, again, with you. Maybe the suggestion of going outside, even just to the garden, gets you a look that could literally strip wallpaper. Maybe you've tried the walk, you've suggested fresh air approximately 400 times. You've maybe even Googled how the heck to get a teenager off their phone and moving at some point and come back with nothing useful. I know I've been there 100%, and I want to say something before we go any further because I think it matters.

1:52 When she won't move, when she's in that room, and the stillness feels so heavy, it's so easy to read that as laziness or stubbornness or bloody mindedness, or I'm just not trying. And I completely understand why it looks like that from the outside. But here's what's actually happening. I know you never asked, but I'm going to tell you anyway. When a nervous system has been in high alert for long enough, and we're talking sustained stress, weeks or months of it, not just a bad day, it can shift into something called shutdown.

2:26 Freeze. It's the body's last resort response when everything else has felt like too much fruit for too long. Go still, go quiet, conserve anything, everything, wait. In fact, animals in the wild do this. So if you've ever seen a rabbit in the wild and then you see a bird of prey above it, it doesn't run, which most people would think it would. It stops. It literally plays dead. Because then that bird of prey isn't going to attack it. It isn't going to think it's food because it's dead. And in that state, and then it gets up, sorry, gets up, and then it has a jig.

3:07 Anyway, and in that state, big movement doesn't just feel unappealing, it can feel genuinely overwhelming. Like being asked to climb Everest in your pajamas. That I'd love to see. Anyway, so when she says I can't, she might genuinely mean it. Not I won't, I can't. Not right now, not that. This is not laziness. This is a nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do. And the answer is not to push harder, as I've said before. The answer is to go smaller. So let's talk about what actually counts as movement when she won't leave her room.

3:43 And I want you to open your mind here because some of this is going to sound so tiny you'll think it possibly can't make a difference. But bear with me. Bouncing. Actual bouncing. On a trampoline, if you've got one, even a little rebounder or a trampette inside the house, the kind you can get for not very much money and stick in a corner. Three minutes of gentle bouncing is genuinely one of the most regulating things the nervous system can do. Rhythmic movement, leaving the ground, coming back. The body absolutely loves it.

4:18 It processes all of that shiz out of the body. No trampoline, no worries. Bouncing on the bed if you want to, or bouncing on a ball. Literally, what I do every single time I am recording a podcast, every single time I'm on my computer, I am sitting on a ball. I'm using it right now, my feet are off the ground, and I am balancing. This is what our bodies need. We need to process it out of the body. The nervous system doesn't care what it looks like, it just needs that movement. Shaking, as I just said about that rabbit.

4:53 So it's been frozen. Well, it went into freeze to stop that bird of prey, tracking it and trying to chase it. Shaking. It's the one thing that feels the most ridiculous and yet is the most powerful. Standing and literally shaking. Hands, arms, shoulders, letting it move through the whole body. It feels daft for about 30 seconds. And then it feels like putting down something really heavy. If she'll try one thing, this would be my suggestion. And you do not need to explain that the why right now. Just say I saw this thing, it's completely mad.

5:30 Do it with me for two minutes, and if it's awful, we'll never speak of it again. Literally shaking your arms, shaking your shoulders, shaking your body, shaking your bottom, shaking your legs, and yes, I'm doing it on the ball. Stretching, not yoga with all the performance pressure that comes with it, just reaching up, rolling the shoulders, tilting the head side to side, moving slowly, cracking those shoulders as mine are currently doing. That's it. Tiny, tiny weenie movement. But for a nervous system that's been in shut down, it's like turning the lights back on, one dimmer switch at a time.

6:09 Jumping on the spot, standing on one leg, balancing on a cushion. All of it counts. All of it sends the body a signal. I'm here, I'm moving, I'm okay. And here's the important bit: all of this can happen in her room, with the door shut if she needs it to be. In her pajamas if she wants it, without it being a thing. Because the moment it becomes a thing, you've lost her. Now here's where I want us to all get a little bit creative because the best movement, the movement that will actually land, is the movement that belongs to her.

6:46 Not what we think she should be doing, what she actually would choose in another version of this life where everything feels a hell of a lot easier than right now. What does she love? What does she love before all of this? Music, water, animals, making things, outdoorsy activities, that's my daughter. Because a pool with no laps is movement. A drive to a craft shop is movement. It's an errand with legs. A field with a horse or a dog is movement. A walk that isn't called a walk and has a destination she actually cares about is movement.

7:24 Going to a cafe, going into a lake, that is movement. It doesn't have to be a walk. As soon as you mention the word walk, you're likely to get the eye rolls. The I don't want to do that, I'm too tired. And actually, do you know what? Sometimes it's about making it so low stakes and so weird that that pressure just drip disappears, it drops off. One mum I spoke to had got to the point where the word walk literally made her daughter recoil, as I just said. So she stopped using it entirely. Instead, they got in the car one evening, drove to a supermarket 20 minutes away, wandered around at nine o'clock at night picking up random things and commenting on everything.

8:05 No agenda, no chat about feelings, just legs moving, and something to look at and snacks. Her daughter taught more in that supermarket and in the car than she'd done in two weeks at home. The nervous system just unthoughed, gently at its own pace, and that's the thing. We are not dragging her out of freeze, we are creating the tiniest bit of warmth and letting her come forward to it when she's ready. Her body knows what she needs. Our job is just to stop making this feel impossible. So this week I'd like you to try two things.

8:45 First, pick one of those tiny in-room movements and introduce it without any fanfare. No explanation, no, this will help your nervous system. Just I got this little bouncy thing. It's in your room if you want it. Or do it yourself in the kitchen where she can see you being a complete idiot. That's the best way. She learns by what she says, not by what you're telling her. Let her come to it when she's ready. Second, make a plan. What does she actually love? Get creative, get weird, get specific to her.

9:17 The wilder and more hers it is, the better chance it has of succeeding. A late night supermarket trip, a drive to nowhere, whatever it is, make it hers, not yours. Next week we're turning the lens completely around because all of this support you're pouring into her, your body's carrying it too. And if you never give yourself a break, your body will eventually take one for you. Trust me, I know on this one. This one's important. So yeah, don't miss it. If this helped today, please hit subscribe and share it with a mum who needs it.

9:50 And if you want a practical body first uh course, I am currently just designing a brand new program for girls. It's an eight-week program where literally all of the tools we just talked about today get used within the course. So bear with and watch this space. I will drop the details soon. Okie dokie. Take care. Remember, and you are doing way better than you think. So see you next week. Take care. Da doe