Understanding Your Daughter’s Emotional State: Fight, Flight, Freeze & Fawn

You know your daughter's dysregulated, but you just don't know which state she's in. Is she in flight? Is she in fight? Is she in freeze? Or is she in fawn? And because you're guessing, everything you try backfires. Today I'm showing you how to tell what state she's actually in so you can finally stop second guessing and actually get it. Actually understand. To truly connect to your daughter. So welcome back to the Teen Whisperer, the podcast for mums supporting girls who are confused, second guessing, or overwhelmed by their needs.

I'm Rach Friedley and here's the reframe that matters the most today. You can't respond to a state you cannot see. And if you're guessing wrong, everything you try will backfire. But once you learn to read the signs, you stop guessing and you start knowing. And yes, I'm a mum to you, so 100%. I get where you're coming from. I see you, I hear you, I validate everything you are dealing with. That exhaustion of trying everything and watching it fail. The frustration of I thought I was doing the right thing.

That overwhelm of never knowing what she actually needs. Today I'm teaching you how to read what's really happening. So let's dive in. So here's what I hear from mums in my WTF community. I just can't tell what's going on with her. One minute she's fine, the next she's exploding. It's like she's gone from zero to two thousand in four milliseconds. I thought it was responding the right way, but it just made it worse. And here's what I see: mums are exhausted, not just from the dysregulation, but from guessing wrong over and over and over again.

Because here's the truth: states can look like other states. Fight can look like flight, freeze can look like defiance, fawn can look like, oh, she's fine. And if you get it wrong, your response makes it ten times worse. So let me tell you about a mum in my WTF community. Her daughter was screaming, swearing, blue murder in her face, door slamming, and this mum just thought, she's in fight, she's angry, she's being aggressive. So she responded with boundaries. She responded with firmness, she responded with you cannot speak to me like that.

And her daughter? She got worse, way worse. More screaming, more swearing, then their headphones on, scrolling and gone. And this mum was devastated. She said to me, I'm setting boundaries, I'm being clear. Why is nothing working? And I said, She's not in fight, she's in flight. So here's what this mum didn't see. The screaming wasn't aggression. It wasn't attack, it was panic. Her daughter's nervous system was saying, I need to get away from this feeling and I don't know how. And to do it, she screams, she shouts, and then she goes to her room.

The headphones, the scrolling, the constant on, that wasn't defiance, that was flight. Her body was trying to escape feelings it just couldn't handle it. It had no idea even how to think about handling, how to even process it. And firmness, that just added more pressure. More threat, more need to escape. So when we looked at the signs together, it became clear. Her daughter wasn't trying to fight her, she was trying to flee. And flight doesn't respond to boundaries about tone. It responds to outlets for that energy.

So this mum shifted. She stopped the firmness about language, she started offering movement. Wanna go for a walk? Need to hit a pillow? I'm here. No pressure to talk. And within a few days, that screaming lessened, not because the mum gave in, but because her daughter's nervous system had somewhere to put the energy.

So why is this so confusing? Here's why it's so hard. States don't always look the way we think they should. So fight doesn't always look like anger. Sometimes it looks like defiance, arguing, testing boundaries, I don't care, you don't care. But sometimes it looks quiet, like resistance, like you can't make me. Flight doesn't always look like running away. Sometimes it looks like that constant busyness, scrolling for hours, never sitting still, always distracted. But sometimes it looks like aggression, like screaming to get away from that feeling.

And freeze doesn't always look like shutdown. Sometimes it looks like withdrawal, can't get out of her bed, that blank stare, that rabbit in headlights, that I don't know moments. But sometimes it looks like defiance, like I'm not doing that, when really her body can't. And then fawn doesn't always look like people pleasing. Sometimes it looks like saying yes to everything, never having her needs, never having needs, saying I'm fine all the time, over apologizing. And other times it looks like, oh, she's just so easy when really she's terrified of conflict.

So how to read the signs? So let me give you what to look for. Fight signs, energy level is high, explosive, reactive. Body language is tense, fist clenched, jaw tight, eyes fierce. Behaviour, door slamming, yelling, defiance, arguing, you can't make me. What it sounds like. Leave me alone, you just don't get it, you don't understand. I hate this. But what the body needs is to release that energy safely with space, movement, not more pressure. Then we have the signs of flight. The energy level is high but scattered, restless, and cannot settle.

Her body language is moving constantly, fidgeting, eyes darting, sorry, headphones on, the behavior, that endless scrolling, that constant busyness, that avoiding, that I need to go. What it sounds like, I'm fine, but said whilst backing away. Can I just already moving? And what the body needs, it needs outlets for that energy, it needs movement yet again, it needs distraction that doesn't numb. It needs space to move. And then we've got the freeze signs. The energy level is low, flat, shut down.

The body language is still that blank stare, that rabbit and headlights look, that slow movement, that heaviness, the behavior, won't get out of bed, can't make decisions. I don't know, because she honestly doesn't know that withdrawal. What it sounds like? Silence. Or I just can't, said flatly. And what the body needs, it's safety, no demands, presence without pressure and time. And then last of all, we have fawn. So the energy level is moderate but compliant, agreeable. Body language is small, apologetic, eyes down, nodding.

Behaviour says yes to everything, never asks for anything. I'm fine, it's okay. What it sounds like, whatever you want, I don't mind. Sorry. And what the body actually needs, permission to have those needs, safety to say no, space to disagree. So here's the key question that helps you tell the difference. Is the energy moving out or in? So is she exploding or imploding? So fight and flight is the energy moving out. She's activated. Her body is trying to do something, fight or flee. Whilst freeze and fawn, that energy is moving in.

She's imploding, she's deactivated. Her body is trying to conserve or protect. Shut down or please. That one question, his helps you see what's really happening. So what does each state need versus what we think it needs? Let me show you the difference. So fight needs what we think. Boundaries, consequences, firmness. It actually needs space to release that energy. Movement, less pressure. Flight needs what we think it needs to slow down, to stop avoiding to sit still. But actually, what it needs, outlets for that restless energy.

Ways to move that feel safe. Freeze. It needs what we think. Encouragement, motivation, and push. But what it actually needs, safety, no demands, presence without pressure. And then we have fawn. What we think it needs, she's easy, no problems here. Actually, what she needs, permission to have those needs, safety to say no. So this week's practice, one thing, observing before responding. When your daughter does something that hooks you, pause. Then ask yourself: is the energy moving out or in? Again, out is fight or flight.

She needs outlets for the energy. Whilst in is freeze or fawn. She needs safety and space. Then respond to what you see, not what you think it is. So here's what I want you to remember: you cannot respond to a state you cannot see. And if you're guessing wrong, everything backfires. But once you learn to read the signs, you stop guessing and you start knowing. And that changes everything. So next week we're talking about your nervous system again because you can't stay regulated for her if you're dysregulating yourself.

So this episode helps you to see what you've been missing. Hit subscribe so you don't miss out what's coming next. And if you're thinking, I want to go deeper, I want to learn how to spot these states in real time. I will be running another free webinar where I break down how to spot nervous system states as they're happening, what to do when freeze looks like defiance, and how to stay regulated when she's not. It's practical, it's real, and it's designed for mums who are ready to stop second guessing.

So save your spot. The link is in the show notes. So this week take care and remember you're doing way better than you think. So see you next week. Da dae!

Understanding Your Daughter’s Emotional State: Fight, Flight, Freeze & Fawn

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