Understanding Teen Girl Behaviour | The Nervous System Framework

0:00 Hey yeah, and welcome to this podcast, the podcast for mums of girls, whether they're tweens, teens, or young women, to help you understand what the friggity frig is going on for your daughter. I help you to join those dots that everyone else is looking at in isolation. So let's dive in. Can I ask you a question? When your daughter is having one of those moments, I mean you know those moments, when she's angry and she's pushing you away, you can see it in her face. She's withdrawn. She's hiding in a room 24-7 with the curtain shut.

0:40 She slammed that bedroom door and you could feel it ricochet through the whole house. She's snapping at everyone. She's crying over something that you think is really tiny weeny. Or she's just, you know, not herself. What's that very first thought that pops into your head? Is it what's wrong with her? What the friggity frig is going on here? Is this just hormones? Or is she always going to be like this? Have I done something wrong? I mean, these are the kickers, aren't they? Am I failing as her mum?

1:22 Because if that's you, I just want to say I can completely see why you're thinking that. Your brain is at play here. It isn't trying to make your life difficult per se, it's actually trying to protect you. So when something feels uncertain, especially when it's about somebody you absolutely love from the bottom of your heart, love her more than anything else in the world, your brain desperately wants an answer. And when it can't find one, it fills the gaps for you. So something I've realized over the past few years is this it's not just how our daughter's behaviour affects us, it's the story we're telling ourselves about that behaviour.

2:18 Want me to repeat it? It's not just our daughter's behaviour that affects us, it's the story we tell ourselves about that behaviour. I mean, think about it. When you see your daughter shouting, your brain instantly jumps to she's being disrespectful, as we're told time and time, sorry, and time again. Or she doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't love me anymore, she doesn't like me. Or maybe everyone else I'm speaking to says this is a sign of ADHD, autism, anxiety, OCD, PDA. Maybe that's what's happening.

3:06 And then, of course, we make it mean something. You make it mean I'm losing her. I'm getting this parenting through thing wrong. What the dickens is wrong with me. I should know what to do. After all, I'm a successful business person, I work really hard, la da da da da. I should know what to do because that's what everyone else tells us, isn't it? Or I'm failing. As I say, that's the kicker. And then, of course, if that's not bad enough, you have another layer on top of it, which is how that then makes you feel.

3:42 You feel scared, you feel heartbroken, you feel disconnected, you feel like you've lost her, you feel overwhelmed, exhausted, like you're constantly walking on eggshells in your own home. And then there you go, there's another layer above this, it's like an onion. What do you do? You Google at two o'clock in the morning, it takes up every moment of your life. You constantly overthink and overthink and overthink. It goes round and round and round in your brain 24-7. So you don't sleep. Of course, then you do the research, you research the books, you research the papers, you research the research, you research the podcasts, you ask people for advice, and then you get overwhelmed with the loads of advice that people are giving you, and you try yet another strategy, you become more controlling, which then leads to more exacerbation, leads to more escalation, leads to more kickoffs, leads to more exhaustion and loss, and what the frig is going on.

4:50 Or sometimes you do the exact opposite, you completely withdraw because you're so tired of doing it all and not finding an answer. Just want to ask, can you see what's happened here? You're no longer responding to what's happening in front of you. What you see, you're responding to the meaning you've attached to it. Shall I repeat that? You are no longer responding to what's actually happening in front of you, you're responding to the meaning you've attached to it. And honestly, who wouldn't? This is exactly why I do what I do.

5:32 Because I believe too many mums are sitting with fear 24-7. I mean, seriously, everything is scaremongering. Media, social media, being online, being offline, in the papers, speaking to anyone. Literally, you say one thing and people jump all the way to a conclusion. That doesn't actually make any sense. It's like somebody adding two plus two equals five.

6:02 What mums actually need is understanding because behaviour is never just about one thing, as we are told. Guess what? Time and time and time again, it's never just about attitude in adverted commas or hormones, or especially because she's a girl, she's got hormones, or a diagnosis, or being a typical teenager, whatever one of those is. Behavior is communication, simple as that. It's information, it's your daughter's body saying something isn't quite right, and that is okay. And that something could be sleep, could be all manner of things, it could be sleep, it could be blood sugar, it could be stress, could be friendships, could be school pressure, academic pressure, whether she's at college or university, it could be her menstrual cycle.

7:00 As I've said before, we have a 28-day cycle, not a 24-hour one. It could be because she's feeling overwhelmed, she's feeling left out, feeling like she has to be everything to everyone else. It's usually lots of little dots, not one big thing, but those little dots everyone else is staring at in isolation. I don't. Which is why I start, I don't start by asking what's wrong with her. I start by asking what's going on for her. Notice the word change in there, it's not with her, it's going on for her.

7:41 Because your daughter is not a problem to solve, she's a person to understand, and when we understand what's underneath that behaviour, everything starts to make a little more sense. In fact, I'd say it's my light bulb moment. So, can I just say something else? You may have noticed that this episode feels a little different, and that's intentional. Because over the last few months and the last few weeks, actually, I've realized something. I've spent years helping mums understanding what's going on for their daughters, but I haven't spent enough time helping mums understanding what's going on for themselves.

8:24 Because parenting isn't just happening to one person, your daughter, as we're led to believe. Every behaviour your daughter shows creates something inside you too. Fear, guilt, self-doubt, overthinking, googling at two o'clock in the morning, walking on eggshells, wondering if you're getting it all wrong, and you're a failure. And nobody, nobody talks about that. So from now on, this podcast is going to be about both of you. Yes, we'll still make sense of what's going on for your daughter, but we're also going to make sense of what's going on for you, what stories you are making it mean, her behaviour.

9:09 Because when you feel seen, understood, and less alone, everything changes for you and for your daughter. So my hope is that every time you listen to this podcast, you leave feeling just a little less scared, a little more curious, and a lot less alone. Because believe me, you are not alone in this. Because I can see you, I can see why you're scared. So let's look at what's actually going on instead of jumping to what is wrong. And remember, you are doing way better than you think you are. Your daughter does not need a perfect mum, she needs one who's willing to stay curious, stay connected to her, and grow alongside her.

10:01 And maybe, just maybe, that's what this next chapter of the Teen Whisperer is really about. So I just want to say thank you so much for listening to this podcast episode. And if today's episode felt like I was describing your life, I'd love to hear from you. Come and connect with me over on social media, Instagram, which is at the Teen Whisperer, on my website, the 3W's theteenwisperer.co.uk, or if you're looking for a community of mums who all get it, come and have a look inside WTF. It's straight there from my home page on my website.

10:42 And obviously, WTF actually means what's the feeling. But you know, we all have those WTF moments when we're bringing up a teen girl. So within WTF, we help mums feel seen, understood, and less alone whilst making sense of what's really going on for their daughters. So until next time, remember behaviour is never just about one thing. In fact, that's probably the sentence you're gonna hear me say more than any other on this podcast, because it's the foundation of everything I believe in. So, yeah, have a wonderful week and I'll speak to you next week.

11:22 Take care, bye bye.