Teen Phone Addiction | What She Really Needs from Her Screen - Teen Whisperer

You know, when you've had exactly the same conversation about her phone for what feels like the 400th time, you tell her she's been on it for hours. She says she hasn't. You tell her she has. She says everyone else is on theirs. You point out that she's moody as hell when she gets off it. She tells you you're doing her heading. And you're stood there thinking, can you not see what this thing is doing to you? Because you can. You can see the difference in her, and that is what it makes it so friggin' frustrating.

Hi yeah, I'm Rach Friedley, The Teen Whisperer. This is the podcast for mums of girls where we connect all the dots because behaviour is never just about one thing as we keep being told. Every week we're gonna slow things down together. We're gonna look at what you're seeing in the behaviour, what you're thinking about said behaviour, what you're then making your thoughts mean, how that's then making you feel, and what you're doing because of those feelings. Then and only then are we gonna zoom out and ask a different question.

What is actually happening for her? Because when we stop asking what's wrong with her and start asking what's happening for her, everything begins to make a little more sense. My hope is that every time you listen to one of my episodes, you'll leave feeling a little more seen, a little more understood, and a lot less alone. Because do you know what? Being a mum is frigging tough. It's not easy. And if you're seen for what you're dealing with, it makes you feel you're not the only one. So let's connect the dots.

So let's go back to what you're actually seeing because I know this is where you're coming from. The phone is there constantly. She wakes up and she reaches for it. She comes home and guess what? She reaches for it, or she walks in through the door on it. She's eating and it's beside her. She goes upstairs and it's with her. And then you ask her to put it down and suddenly the whole atmosphere changes. Maybe she snaps. Maybe she says she's coming in a minute. Maybe that minute turns into 20. Maybe she tells you she needs it because she's talking to her friends.

Or maybe she tells you she's doing something really important. And you're looking at her thinking, really? Because you can see what happens around the phone. You can see the late nights. You can see the tiredness, the exhaustion, the bone chilling, ugh, that's going on. You can see that she's less interested in the things she used to enjoy. You can see the irritability. Believe me, you can feel it too. And you can see how hard it is for her to stop. That is real. You are not imagining it. So your brain does what brains do.

They're called a monkey brain for a very good reason. It starts joining up the dots in a particular way. She's addicted. She has no self-control. She knows it's bad for her, and yet she still keeps doing it. And then you start thinking about what you need to do about it. Maybe you need to take it away. Maybe you need to put limits on it. Maybe you need to confiscate it. Maybe you need to have yet another conversation. Or maybe you need to find some way of helping her understand. Because surely once she understands what it's doing to her, she will stop.

Just want to point this out at a minute right now. Girls do not have logic until their mid-twenties. It's all to do with that prefrontal cortex. So she can't see what she's doing as a result. She can just see what she's doing. That's it. She's on the phone. That's it. She can't see the risk it has on her. She cannot see how it's going to affect her. So let's go back to what you're making it mean. And this is the bit that really gets to us. You start making her behaviour mean she doesn't care. She doesn't listen.

She thinks she knows everything. She's choosing the phone over everything else. And perhaps underneath all of that, there is another thought that you probably do not say out loud. I've said it by the way, I'm losing her. Because this is what it feels like. You're watching something, that phone, that tech, whatever it is, take up way more and more space in her life, and you're trying to get your girl back. So of course you're frustrated, you're worried, and you're probably blinking exhausted from second guessing every single minute of the day.

Because every conversation becomes the same conversation. You say something, she argues, you push, she pushes back. You get louder, she gets louder. And then everybody walks away feeling rubbish. Anyone else relate to that one? Because I do. And you're left wondering what on earth you are supposed to do. So we try harder, don't we? We explain more. We give her more reasons to give it up. We show her how long she's been on her phone. We tell her what time she needs to hand it over. We remind her what happened last time.

Even if she said, I'm never going to do that again, mum. You tell her she used to go outside. You tell her she needs to see her friends in real life. And underneath all of that is a mum who is trying desperately to get her daughter to see what she can see. Because at the end of the day, you're trying to protect her. That is the why. And that is the why we don't ever talk about. You're not standing there thinking, how can I make tonight really difficult? You're thinking, I can see this is affecting her.

I can see she's tired. I can see she is so miserable on here, and I can see this is becoming a problem. And you want to stop it before it gets worse. You want her to have a life outside that screen. You want her to feel better. You want her back. So you try to help her make see it. And that makes complete sense to us as mums. But as I've already said, she that prefrontal cortex is not fully developed, and it's not going to be fully developed until her mid-20s. So what you're seeing, she cannot see.

All she can see is the phone is giving her what she needs in that moment. So what else could be going on? Her phone is doing a job. You may not think so, but her phone is doing a job for her. And this is where we need to zoom out. She picks it up when she's bored. She picks it up when she's lonely. She picks it up when she's stressed. She picks it up when she's had a shite day. She picks it up when she cannot switch off. And yeah, I know it doesn't help. She picks it up because her friends are there and that's what they're doing.

She picks it up because there is always something happening on it. That's what the algorithms are set up to do. Just engage her 24-7. She picks it up because it changes how she feels quickly. That last bit matters. Because sometimes the phone is giving her a little bit of relief. She doesn't have to sit with a thing that is bothering her. She can just scroll. She can watch something. She is fed a new reel every 15-20 seconds. She can message someone, she can play a game, she can disappear into somebody else's world for a bit and not think about her own.

And if that gives her some relief, she's gonna keep going back to it. That is how behaviour works. We repeat things that meet a need, and this is where the bigger picture comes in. What happened today for her? How much sleep has she had? Has she eaten properly? Has she been outside? Has she moved? What is happening with her friendships? Where is she in her cycle? Her 28-day energy cycle. What's been going on at home? How much has she had to deal with? Is there school pressure, college pressure, university pressure?

What does she actually have in her life that helps her to switch off? Because the phone sits in the middle of all of that. It does not sit on its own. So here is the bit I want you to see. She's not sitting there thinking, I know this phone is making me feel rubbish, but I'm gonna carry on anyway. Strangely enough, she's not thinking that. She's reaching for something that is giving her something. That does not mean the phone is a good thing. It just tells us there's a need sitting underneath the behavior.

And if we only attack the behaviour, we miss the need. That is why telling her she's addicted rarely gets you anywhere. Because you're trying to make her feel ashamed of something she is using to help herself feel better. And strangely enough, that is going to revert. She's gonna kick off at it, she's gonna react because that is one what she needs. And shame does not create curiosity, it creates defensiveness. So we need to change the conversation. Rather than why always on that frigging throne, we start getting curious about what's happening underneath it.

And this is something I have had to learn myself the hard way. Because when you're a mum, it's very easy to see the thing that is right in front of you and want to fix it. I've been that mum looking at the behavior in Invertic Commas and thinking, what is happening here? Why is she doing this? Why can she not just dot dot dot dot? And then you start looking beyond the behaviour and you realize there's a whole load of other stuff sitting underneath it. That is the work I do now. I do not start with a behavior and try to squash it, I start with a question, what is happening for her?

Because once you understand that, the behavior starts making more sense. And when something makes more sense, you have somewhere to go. So this week I want you to do one thing. Yep, as per normal, one thing. The next time you catch yourself thinking, why could she not see how addictive her phone is? Stop. And ask yourself, what is the phone doing for her? That is your question. Not how long she's been on it, not how do I get it off her, not how do I make her understand what is it doing for her, what needs are being met from the phone, what is she getting from it?

And you don't not you do not even have to ask her straight away. Just start by noticing. Notice when she reaches for it. Notice what has happened beforehand. Notice how she's feeling. Notice when she finds it the hardest to put it down, because those are the clues. And perhaps this is where we need to take a breath. Because you do not need to have to solve the phone today. You do not have to win the argument, you do not have to make her suddenly realize everything you can see. Start with understanding, start with curiosity, zoom out and look at that bigger picture.

Because when you see what's underneath the behaviour, you can respond to the need rather than simply fighting the behaviour. And that changes the whole conversation. The phone is giving you information. So listen to it. There is a reason she keeps reaching for it, and that reason is where we start. And if you're listening to this and thinking, right, I can see the dots, Rach, but honestly, I need somewhere to actually work this stuff out. That's exactly why I created WTF. What's the feeling, don't you know?

Because WTF is a community for mums who are tired of feeling like they're constantly trying to decode their daughters on their own. We slow things down. We talk about what's actually going on for our girls. We look underneath the behavior instead of just getting stuck in it. And gradually you start to recognise the patterns yourself. You don't need to become an expert in girls. You don't need another 47 things to remember. You need someone who can help you see what you're already seeing differently.

So the next time she kicks off, instead of thinking, for friggity frick's sakes, what is wrong with you? You may find yourself thinking, hang on, what's going on for her? And that's where everything starts to change. It's a place to come and talk about the stuff that's actually going on for you, to connect the dots, look beyond the behaviour and start making sense what might be underneath it without feeling like you have to have all the answers. So if this sounds like something you need, you can find out more about WTF on my website at the 3w's theteenwhisperer.co.uk.

And remember, behaviour is never just about one thing.

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