Stop Running on Empty: Why Mums Need Space

The Oxygen Mask Rule: Why Mums Need Space Too Hey, it’s Rach Friedli — mum, coach, play specialist, and your fellow traveller through the chaos of raising tween and teen girls. I’m not here to sugar-coat it. I know what it’s like to be in the thick of it — lying awake at 3am, wondering what you’ve done wrong, or if you’re losing your daughter bit by bit. I’ve been there. That’s why I do this work. Because mums like you deserve someone in your corner telling the truth, not just another polished “expert” telling you to stay calm and drink more water. And today, we’re flipping the focus. Last week we talked about school refusal and anxiety and how it shows up in your daughter.  This week — it’s all about you.  So, let me ask: how are you doing? No, really. Not the polite “oh fine, just busy” answer. Underneath everything — how are you really? What’s going on for you? Because if you don’t put your oxygen mask on first, you won’t have the air to help your daughter breathe. You won’t have the energy, patience, or even the clarity to support her. And before you roll your eyes and mutter “self-care, blah blah” — I get it. The word’s been thrown around like confetti. But here’s the truth: time for YOU is not indulgent. It’s a necessity. One of the mums I work with said to me recently: “Rach, I don’t have time for myself. I’m home educating and all my energy goes into them and their needs.” And I get it. The transition from summer into term time hit her like a wall. She was running on empty. As mums we are taught to put everyone else first, and maybe we’ll get a few crumbs at the end of the day. And that exhaustion we carry? It doesn’t just show up in your body. It leaks into every interaction with your daughter. You snap more, you’re shorter with your daughter, the patience you rely on dwindles. We throw everything into our girls, thinking we’ll do our stuff “after.” But “after” never comes. By the end of the day, you’re too tired to think straight, let alone pour into yourself. And what’s left? Frustration. Anger. Feeling invisible. Like a doormat. But here’s what she realised when we flipped the script: it wasn’t about having spare time. It was about making micro-moments of space non-negotiable. Even five minutes counts. A cup of tea outside. A quiet moment with a book. A breath before the chaos hits. It doesn’t have to be big. Because here’s the kicker: when you start putting yourself first, even in tiny ways, your daughter notices. She mirrors it. She sees that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s essential. It’s like the plane analogy: put your own oxygen mask on first. If you run out of air, you’ve got nothing left to give. This is what I see again and again.  Mums trying everything — staying calm, losing it, bribing, ignoring, Googling symptoms at 2am — and nothing changes. Meanwhile: • Every slammed door adds another layer of distance. • Trust fractures. • And you start to wonder if you’re losing her for good. And the professionals? Education, health, even family and friends — they all give conflicting advice. So you stop trusting yourself. You stop trusting your gut. [The Pinball Machine Chaos] You know those days when you feel like a pinball — bouncing between strategies, trying one thing then another, hoping something will stick? Stay calm. Snap. Bribe. Ignore. Google symptoms at 2am. And still, nothing works. Each meltdown feels bigger. Each shutdown feels colder. And you lie awake thinking: Am I losing her? Am I failing her? Am I just failing? This is the cycle so many mums find themselves trapped in. And here’s the truth nobody tells you: it’s not about trying harder. It’s about creating space for you — so you can come back grounded, and not keep pouring from a cup that’s already smashed on the floor. [Stats that land] 📊 And here’s the reality: most mums are running on empty. • Nearly 80% of mums say they get less than an hour a day just for themselves. • Around 3 out of 4 wish they had more time for self-care. • And the majority believe they’d be better mums if they could actually take that time. So it’s not just you. You’re not lazy, selfish, or failing. The system is set up so that mums put themselves last — and then feel guilty for being exhausted. I want to tell you straight: the problem isn’t that you’re failing. It’s that you’re running on empty. But when you flip the script and make space for yourself first, even just a little, something shifts. Your energy changes, your patience grows, and your daughter learns — by watching you — that self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s a lifeline. [Practical Tools — gritty + real] And no, I’m not talking nails or spa days (unless that’s your thing). Self-care is the small stuff that keeps you alive inside. The stuff that feeds your soul, not your to-do list. Here’s where to start: 👉 Start small. Even 5 minutes a day can shift your whole system. Sit outside with a cuppa. Step into another room and close the door. Put a “my time” sign up — and yes, tell your daughter what it means. 👉 Plan it. Grab a big piece of paper. Write or draw what you’d actually love to do, then break it down into teeny-tiny steps. Steps so small you can’t fail. 👉 Remember it’s not selfish. Your daughter needs to see you do this. The more she sees you looking after yourself, the more likely she’ll learn to do it for herself. That’s the ripple effect. That’s how she learns self-regulation — not from what you say, but from what you model. So here’s the truth: making space for yourself isn’t indulgence. It’s oxygen. It’s regulation. It’s how you survive, and it’s how she and you thrive. And a regulated mum is a safer mum — and a safer mum raises a safer daughter. Take that five minutes today. Call it yours. Because the more you breathe, the more she can. [Closing Recap] So if you take one thing from today, let it be this: your oxygen mask goes on first. Your needs matter. Not after, not “someday,” not when she’s okay — now. Because when you look after you, you’re not only giving yourself life… you’re teaching her how to live. [Outro — same every episode, just updated CTAs] If this episode landed with you, hit subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next. And if you know a mum who’s lying awake at 3am whispering “what the f*** am I doing wrong?” — share this with her. She needs to know she’s not alone. ✨ First, grab my free Quick Reset — a simple tool for those heat-of-the-moment spirals when you need something that works right now. The link’s in the show notes. ✨ Second, heads up — the doors to my WTF Membership are opening again soon. This is the space I wished I had when I was at my lowest, when every strategy I tried seemed to backfire, and when my daughter’s big feelings felt impossible to manage. Inside, you’ll get live coaching, practical tools, and a community of mums who truly get it. It’s not about fixing your daughter — it’s about connection, understanding, and thriving together. I created this membership because I know how isolating it can feel, and I don’t want any mum to go through those sleepless, confusing nights alone. This is your chance to finally feel supported, understood, and equipped — so you and your daughter can rebuild trust, calm the chaos, and reconnect. And if you’re here in Cumbria, we’re kicking off something new and beautiful: a monthly mums + daughters meet-up on September 20th. Free, fun, connection, coffee and cake — and a chance for both you and your girl to meet others who get it. Come along if you can, all the details are in the show notes. Thank you for sitting here with me today. Truly — it means the world. If this episode resonated, would you share it with another mum who needs to hear she’s not failing? You’re not alone in this. And neither is she. Thanks for listening — it truly means the world.

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