Staying in Her Room Isn't Rejection | Nervous System Regulation - Teen Whisperer

Can I ask you a question? When your daughter disappears into her room into her bedroom, what do you think? Not what do you do? But what you actually think. Because you know you knock. You get nothing in reply. You knock again. Are you okay? Fine. As the reply. That one word tells you absolutely bloody nothing. The curtains are closed. It's seven o'clock in the evening or it's eleven o'clock in the morning, whatever it is, she's been in there all day. And you're standing on the landing with a plate of food going cold in your hands, thinking, what the frigity frigg is going on?

She doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't want to be with us. I'm losing her. What have I done? What's wrong with me? And perhaps the biggest one. Is this normal teenage behaviour or is something else going on? And that is where I want to start today. Not with your daughter's bedroom, per se, but with you standing outside it thinking, what the hell is going on? Because sometimes the hardest part is not what she's doing, despite what we may be told. It's what we as mums are making it mean. So welcome.

I'm Rachel Friedley, The Teen Whisperer, and this is the podcast where we connect all the dots because behaviour is never just about one thing. Every week we're gonna slow things down together. We're gonna look at what you're seeing, what you're thinking, what you're then making your thoughts mean, how that then makes you feel, especially as a mum and as a woman, and what you then are doing because of those feelings. Then and only then are we gonna zoom out and ask a completely different question.

What's happening for her, not what's wrong with her, what's happening for her? Because when we stop asking what's wrong with her, and start asking what's going on for her or what's happening for her, things can start to make a little more sense. So let's dive in and connect those dots. So you know you're seeing a closed bedroom door again, yet again. That is the fact. She's upstairs on her own. She's not talking to you or anyone, she's not joining you for dinner, she's not sitting in the room watching telly with you.

She's just disappeared into a room. That's what you're actually seeing. But then your brain gets involved, and this is where it gets really tricky, tricky and actually interesting. Because your brain does not like uncertainty, it likes to know exactly what is going on each and every day, every step of the day. It wants an answer. So it starts filling in the blanks. She doesn't want to be around us, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't like me anymore, she's shutting me out. Something's going on.

She's becoming withdrawn, she's alienating herself from friends. Other girls don't do this. Why is my daughter doing this? And then guess what you do? You start googling. Of course you do, because that's the only way you're gonna get an answer. You're trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. And then if that's not bad enough, we then add another layer because that thought then becomes the story. She's losing connection with me. I've lost her, I've done something wrong. Maybe she doesn't feel safe with me anymore.

Maybe I've ruined our relationship. Maybe if I was a little less, or maybe if I was a little more, then things would change. Maybe this isn't normal teenage behaviour after all. And suddenly we're no longer talking about that girl, your daughter, behind that closed door in her bedroom. We're talking about your relationship with her, or because she's sitting in her room behind that door. Can you see how quickly that's happened? One closed door, and your brain has rewritten the entire story in about five or ten milliseconds.

And if that's not bad enough, we then mean make it we then feel something after what we've made that mean. So it makes us feel worried, rejected, heartbroken, lonely, guilty. Oh my god, the guilt on that one, maybe even angry. Because underneath all of this is one simple thing. I miss her. You miss the girl who used to come downstairs, you miss the girl who used to sit with you on the sofa watching films together, having a laugh, having popcorn, chilling under the duvet. You're missing the random conversations that came out of nowhere and didn't have a solution, didn't have an end goal.

You're missing the fun, you're missing the laughter, you're missing that connection. You miss feeling like you'd actually know her. And that hurts, seriously hurts deep within your heart, deep within your body. So when she closes that door, it can feel like she's closing it on you.

And yes, if this wasn't enough, we do we go yet one more layer. So then, because of all of that, you do something. You knock again. You get controlling, you come down for dinner. Can you please open the curtains? What's wrong? Talk to me. Are you sure you're okay? Come on, you've been up there for hours. And eventually, strangely enough, your daughter blows. She explodes. Leave me alone. And now you're hurting. She's hurting because the last thing she wants to do is hurt you.

She's angry, the door slams really hard. Maybe she locks it on the inside, and you're standing there thinking, see, I was right, she doesn't want anything to do with me, whilst feeling like you've been kicked in the gut. Except, what if we've got the whole thing completely and utterly backwards? What if her bedroom is not a rejection of you? What if it's the only place she can get away from everything that's winding her up? Think about what her day might have looked like. I mean, if she's in school six or seven hours in school, that's a hell of a lot.

People everywhere. Noise, teachers, bright lights, lessons that she had absolutely zero interest in. Being watched, being assessed every single moment. You know, those friendships. We all know teen girls' friendships in the obviously the teen years are really, really hard. Trying to fit in, trying to work out what everyone thinks of her, trying to look okay when the last thing you feel is okay. Then on top of that, we've got phones, we've got social media, we've got that constant pressure, we've got academic pressure, we've got messages, we've got notifications, and then she walks straight through the front door, and somebody quite reasonably says, How was your day?

Can you put your shoes away? Dinner's at six. Have you done your homework? None of these things are wrong. They're normal, they're loving, but she's already at full capacity. So one more thing can feel like way too much. So she goes upstairs. She goes to her safe space, that is her room, her space where she feels she can be herself, she can chill out on the bed, she can read a book, she can be on her screen, whatever it is, it's time for herself. She's been with everyone else the past six, seven, eight hours, and now this is her time.

This is her time where nobody is with her, she's on her own, nobody is asking her, nobody's watching, nobody needs anything from her, and she can breathe. And that is why I want you to become curious about the room rather than being frightened by it. I was that mum who stood outside that door thinking, what the friggity frig is going on? Why won't you let me in? What's wrong with you? What's going on for you? La la la la la la la la la. And then I felt really bad as a mum. I felt bad as a person.

I felt there was something I was missing. I felt there was something I was wrong. La di da di da. But space can be communication too. So her sitting beside that behind that door. Remember what we do when you've had a stressful day. What do you do? Do you go, do you sit around with everyone else, or do you just go, actually, I need some time out? That's what she's doing. She's having some time for herself.

And here's the important bit because I'm not saying don't worry about it, I'm not saying every teenager hiding in their bedroom is perfectly fine in a further commas. And I'm certainly not saying ignore changes that concern you. But this is where connecting the dots matter. We don't look at the ice, we don't look at the closed door in isolation. I look at the bigger picture. Is she eating? Is she sleeping? Does she come out sometimes? Does she still laugh? Does she have moments where you actually see her and spend time with her?

Does she still engage with her friends? Does she still enjoy something? Are there little threads of connection? Because that's the information you need. Not she spent four hours in a bedroom because it tells you nothing, but what's actually happening across the bigger part, bigger picture of her life? And that's the difference. And just remember, this isn't just about her, this is about you too. So next time you see that closed door, before you knock, just pause. Notice what you're thinking. What are you making that closed door mean?

And then ask yourself what else could be true. Maybe she's had a horrendous day. Maybe she's just reached her limit, she's at full capacity, and she's completely overwhelmed. Maybe she's exhausted, or maybe she's trying not to explode at the people she loves. And again, maybe she just needs 20 minutes when nobody needs anything from her. She's not rejecting you, she's regulating herself in the only way she currently knows how to. And suddenly that closed door looks a hell of a lot different. So this week I'd like you to try one tiny teeny weeny thing to try.

Next time she disappears upstairs, don't immediately go into fix it mode. Leave something at the door. A drink, a snack, something she likes. Take her in a smoothie, because that's what I always do with my daughter. Something she likes. And instead of are you okay, which obviously needs an answer, just I've left you something. No need to come down, I'm downstairs if you need me. And then just leave it. No interrogation, no knock up knock, follow-up knock. Sorry, I can't speak. Five minutes later, no emotional post mortem, just I'm here.

When you're ready, I'm downstairs. That is connection without pressure. That's what your daughter needs. And I want you, as mums, to notice something else because this is where your work as a mum really begins. Not with controlling whether she comes downstairs or stays in a room, but with noticing what happens inside of you when she doesn't. What are you seeing? What are you making that closed door mean?

And then how does it make you feel? And then what do you do? And what happens when you push? We all know she pushes straight back again and it explodes in your face. And there you've got a cycle. So that's the bit I want you to start noticing. Because sometimes the change doesn't begin with getting her out of her bedroom, it begins when you feel safe enough to leave the door closed. So tonight, if you're standing on that landing with a cold plate of food in your hands, take a breath. I can see why you're scared.

I can see why that door, that closed door, feels like rejection because I've been there. But before you decide what that means, zoom out. Look at the bigger picture and connect those dots. Because as I said before, behaviour is never just about one thing. And your daughter's bedroom door isn't necessarily saying, I don't want you. It might simply be saying I need space. And those are two very different messages. So this week, when your brain starts telling you that story, ask yourself what else could be true.

Because you're not trying to solve your daughter, you're learning to understand her. And honestly, that's where the magic starts. And if you're thinking, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, oh my god, this is exactly what's happening in my house, that's exactly why WTF exists. What's the feeling is my community of mums or girls who want to feel seen, understood, and less alone whilst making sense of what's really going on for their daughters. It's not another parenting program telling you what you're doing wrong.

It's a space where we connect the dots together. I'll see you next week. Take care, bye bye.

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