She's Not Lazy - She's Scared of the Future - Teen Whisperer

Maybe you've seen it this week, your girl staring at last week's exam results or feeling on edge before they come out this week, doom scrolling instead of planning her next move or melting down when she thinks about everything that still needs doing before school, university, college, whatever starts back. One minute she's dreaming big, the next she's under the duvet muttering, what's the point? and it looks like attitude or that's what was so often told. It feels like laziness. It feels that I can't be asked, but it's not.

This is a fear of the future and it shows up in ways that break your heart and drive you mad all at the same time. Hiya. Welcome back to the Teen Whisperer, the podcast for mums or girls who are trying their best to figure out this whole You know, tween, teenager, young woman thing without completely losing the plot. I'm Rach Fradley and I help mums of girls who are seen as too much, too sensitive or just struggling to fit in to uncover what's really going on beneath those big emotions and challenging behaviour.

So you can stop second guessing, feel confident again, yay! And truly connect with your daughter on a level. You know those behaviours, I'm talking about the door slams, the eye rolls, the shutdowns, the meltdowns or the screaming in your face moments. And yeah, I'm right there with you because I'm a mum too. So when I talk about those slamming doors and silent treatment that stings you to the very core, I'm not speaking from theory, I'm speaking from personal experience.

So let's be honest, we've all been there and it can look like attitude apparently. That slam door when you mention those next steps, the I don't care shrug when you ask what she's been thinking, the sudden obsession with reorganising anything, and yes, I do mean anything, when she's meant to be making a plan, the busyness that takes up all of her time in the day, and then you find out she's actually done out, and mums tell me she's bright, she could do so well, why won't she just get on with it?

But that's the benefit of logic that we have. Our girls don't have it. They don't have it into the mid-20s. They can't see things from a hindsight and a foresight. They just see things right now in this moment. Now, Terry Apter calls this the threshold phase, the time when our girls are moving on to the next big thing, whether that's university, college, work, an apprenticeship. traineeship looking for jobs it can all feel so overwhelming that she just shuts down and hides and here's the thing if that's not bad enough procrastination and perfectionism go hand in hand they are best friends they're two sides of the same coin both rooted in fear So think back to when your daughter was a baby.

She cried when she was hungry, she squirmed when she was overtired, she moved around because she was uncomfortable in that nappy of hers and she clung to you when she was scared. She didn't have words but she had those messages from her body and you understood those messages. Now she's older, those messages look different. Scrolling, snapping, shutting down are her way of saying, I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared of failing. I don't know who I'll be if I don't get this right. And the kicker, I don't want to let you down.

And yes, that exists. That's where the hiding comes from. This behaviour isn't defiance, they are messages from the body that something isn't right and she needs your support. So when the future feels uncertain, her nervous system goes into survival mode, as does ours. Some girls fight, they argue, they push back, they lash out at you. They scream in your face. Some flee, endless scrolling, avoiding any kind of work, distracting themselves 24-7. And others freeze.

They just sit in their bed. They lie in their bed. They stare at that screen. They think about doing things. They just feel totally paralyzed and some fawn. They people please. They try to be the perfect student, the perfect daughter, terrified of disappointing in anyone. And as I say, this is not about laziness or lack of motivation. It's her biology. Her stress response is running the show.

So perfectionism whispers, if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all. And procrastination then nods to it, let's just leave it for later when it feels safer. But of course that later never appears. It never materialises. So you're left just feeling, why can't she just get on with it?

And in the middle of that perfectionism and procrastination, sits a fear of the future. What if I mess this up and ruin everything? And let me tell you, this isn't just a tween, teen, young woman thing. I feel it too. This is literally my work and yet I wobble. I catch myself faffing, stalling, or overthinking things that matter to me. And I call those voices my gremlins. When I name them, and sometimes even picture them looking a bit ridiculous, It takes away their power on me. They stop running the show and I can get back to choosing that next tiny weeny step.

And that's what I want you to hear. Wobbling does not mean failing. It just means they're human. The same is true for your daughter and us. So here's some science-based reset tools that help you in the moment. Number one, movement before work, a brisk walk, dancing in a room, even star jumps. Movement tells the body you're safe. You can focus now. So start the day with movement. Number two, micro tasks. Break it down into 10 minute chunks. Science shows dopamine kicks in when we complete those small wins, not the massive wins.

And that's what keeps momentum going. Number three, sensory grounding. A weighted blanket, having a hug. These regulate the nervous system so she can think clearly again. And number four, sleep hygiene is so important. Fear of the future feels way bigger at night when everything is silent. Have a reset routine, dim the lights and help her to write things down before she sleeps or asking her through or saying three things you're proud of that she did during the day. It can shrink that in her head.

Then she can sleep. So I remember a story when my daughter was at college. She'd stopped turning in her assignments. Her tutors had told me that she was way capable and I didn't know what was going on. But when I sat with her, she told me, if I don't hand it in, I can't fail. Everybody thinks I'm going to get a distinction, but I don't feel it. And that pressure just made her shut down. It made her stop. It made her overthink everything. And it broke me because how many of our girls feel safer failing quietly than risking doing their best and it not being enough by other people's perceptions?

So we shifted from do the whole project to let's set a timer for 10 minutes. Little by little, she found that momentum. Her nervous system learned I can start and nothing bad happens. And that cracked open her courage again. So this week, when you see procrastination or perfectionism, don't jump to her. Don't jump to thinking she's lazy. Instead, ask yourself, what's the fear underneath? What is she scared of? Then try this with your daughter and with yourself. Number one, name the gremlin. When that stalling, faffing or overthinking shows up, give it a name.

Call it the perfectionist. the faffer, the gremlin, or whatever feels right for you, and then draw it out, or imagine it as a silly cartoon character. Give it the horns, give it the hairs, give it the, I don't know what, the big teeth, give it the whatever, and put it on your wall.

Then you can look at it when you're feeling in that space, when your daughter's feeling in that space. It helps to make them less big, Less uggy, less and more kind of like, ah, yeah, that's what it is. Number two, take that tiny, weeny, miny, tiny, weeny step. Sorry. Once it's named, shrink the task down and do the smallest next thing. Write a date in the diary. Put something on the board. Open the laptop. Send the text. One small step quiets the gremlin and keeps that momentum going. Because here's the truth.

Wobbling does not mean failing. It means you're human. And the more you can name it, normalise it and move that teeny weeny tiny weeny step one step forward, the easier it gets your girl to do the same. So your daughter doesn't need you to fix her future. She needs you to help her feel safe enough to take that first step today. if this landed with you hit subscribe so you don't miss the next episode share it with a mum friend who's in the thick of this too she needs to hear this that she's not alone and grab my free quick reset for mums of overwhelmed or sparring girls it's waiting for you in the show notes And yes, we can all get in that space where procrastination and perfectionism go hand in hand.

But the more that we understand what's going on for us and our daughters, the more we can support them and the more that we get it. So yeah, that's it from me this week and have a wonderful week and I'll speak to you soon. Take care. Bye bye.

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