Running on Empty | How Teen Girl Mental Health Shows Up as 'Bad Behaviour'

0:00 Can I ask you a question? When your daughter ignores you, what's the very first thing that pops into your head? Maybe it's she's doing this on purpose. Why won't she just do as I ask? She listens to everyone else. She has absolutely no respect for me. Or maybe it goes even deeper. I've clearly failed somewhere. I'm losing her. Why is everything such a battle? Because that's where I want to start today. Not with your daughter, but with you. Because something I've realized over the last few weeks is this.

0:46 It's not just your daughter's behaviour that's exhausting you. It's a story your brain is creating about that behaviour. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about today. So hiya, I'm Rachel Friedley, The Teen Whisperer, and this podcast, The Teen Whisperer, has changed a little recently. Yes, we're still talking about teenage girls, and yes, we're still talking about behaviour. But we're also talking about what happens inside you when your daughter is struggling. Because parenting is never just about your daughter.

1:24 You're very much part of that picture too. So every week we're going to slow things down. We'll look at what you're seeing, what you're thinking, what you're making it mean, and how that makes you feel. And then on top of that, what you're doing because of those feelings. Then, and this is the best bit, we're going to zoom out and we're going to ask the question I believe changes everything. What's actually going on for her rather than what you're seeing in front of you? Because behaviour is never just about one thing.

2:05 So let's start where it always starts. You're seeing the eye roll, the ignored request, the plate still sitting on the side, the bedroom door slammed. You ask once. You ask nicely. Nothing. You ask again, still nothing. By the third time you're standing in that doorway, raising your voice over something that should have taken ten seconds to sort out. And suddenly everything feels ruined. Dinner, the evening, and your whole day. Now notice what happens next. Your brain starts connecting random dots.

2:49 Except they're all the wrong dots. You're not drawing that dot-to-dot picture. You're just drawing a zigzaggy mess in the middle of the page. So she's disrespectful. She's doing it deliberately. She's testing me. She knows exactly what she's doing and how she presses my buttons. Everyone else's children seem to manage. Why can't mine? And then your brain goes one step further. She doesn't respect me. I'm losing control. I'm a rubbish mum. If I can't get her just to put that one plate in the dishwasher, how the hell am I going to cope when she's older?

3:31 Can you see what's just happened? We've gone from a plate on the side, not getting in the dishwasher or being washed, to your whole identity as a mum. In approximately 30 seconds. Yep, you heard that correctly. Three zero seconds. Not even a minute. 30 seconds. No wonder you're exhausted. No wonder you're angry. No wonder you're hurt. Because you're no longer responding to a plate, you're responding to the meaning you've attached to it. And that's completely understandable. When we don't understand what's happening in front of us, our brains fill in the gaps.

4:20 Usually with worst-case scenarios.

4:25 So then what happens on top of that? You shout, you nag, you threaten, or you give up asking altogether. One day you're over-controlling, controlling absolutely everything in that day, and the next day you're too exhausted to care. And then you feel guilty for both. Sound familiar, anyone? I hear this every single week, and that used to be me as well. Successful, capable women telling me I can run my business, I go out to work, I am a successful A, B, or C, but I can't even get my daughter to empty the dishwasher.

5:08 What the frigity frig is going on here? Can I just tell you something? This does so not make you a bad mum. It just makes you a mum who's scared. Who's scared of where it's all gonna end up? And I can completely understand why. I see ya.

5:32 But and here's the but, here's the bit I really want you to listen to. What if the plate, because it's never gonna be about the plate, is it, is just the problem? What if the plate isn't actually the problem? Let's get the right words in there, shall we? What if the behaviour isn't the problem either? Yep, do you want me to repeat that one? What if the behaviour is not the problem? What if it's simply a message? Because as I said before, behaviour is never just about one thing, as we are told, time and time and time again.

6:12 So let's ask a different question. What's going on for her? Has she slept? Has she eaten anything? Has she been masking all day at school? And by the way, masking is perfectly normal in adverted commas, not just a sign that your daughter that there's something going on with her? Has she had six hours of sensory overload at school or at work or with other people? Has she argued with her friends? Is she in the week before her period when everything feels way harder than it should do? Or has she simply reached her capacity and she's had enough?

6:59 Because when a body is running on empty, co-operation disappears like that. Not because she's choosing to be difficult, as again we're told, time and time and time again. It's because she genuinely does not have the bandwidth, she does not have the capacity. I mean, just think about it. Think about when you've had a terrible night's sleep, and I hasten to add that was me last night. You've skipped lunch, you've had back-to-back meetings at work, you've been on it 24-7. Somebody asks you just one more thing above it.

7:41 Do you respond with your very best self? Nah, probably not. I didn't. That's not disrespect, that's just capacity. You've reached your limit, and that's okay. And your daughter is no different at all. So here's what I'd love you to do this week. Before you give her the next instruction, pause for five seconds, and then read her state before you lead. So is she calm or is she flooded? Is she overwhelmed? Has she reached full capacity? Has she reached her limit? That's all. That's all I want you to ask.

8:33 Because the way you ask matters just as much as what you're asking. You don't have to fix her, you don't have to micromanage every little thing. All we need this week is just to notice. Notice her, what's going on for her, and then ask. That teeny diny weeny shift absolutely changes everything. For starters, she sees you seeing her for what she's dealing with. Do you want me to repeat it? She sees you for seeing her for what she is dealing with, rather than you trying to manage it for her, rather than you trying to fix the situation and provide a solution.

9:21 She needs to be seen for what she is dealing with. So this week I want you to notice. Notice what you're seeing. So get a big piece of paper and write down on it, what am I seeing? And then notice what you're thinking, what you're seeing is meaning.

9:55 And neither are you. So if today's episode helps you breathe out just a little, and for you to be seen and heard for what you're dealing with day in, day out, this is exactly why I created WTF. What's the feeling, don't you know? But you know, we all have those other WTF moments when bringing up our girls. Because society, culture, education, health, they all have advice, they all have thoughts about how you should in adverted commas be bringing up your daughter. I hasten to add, she's your daughter.

10:39 You know her better than anyone. So yeah, WTF What's the Feeling is a community for mums who want to feel seen, understood, and less alone whilst making sense of what's actually going on with their daughters rather than a simple fix-it strategy or labelling her or just trying to sort it out with one answer. Because you shouldn't have to figure this out all on your own. So, yeah, that's it from me this week. So I will see you next week, and I hope you have a wonderful week. As ever, if you want to connect with me, just reach out the podcast, and yes, that's the thing.

11:19 Or check out my website, the 3w's 13whisperer.co.uk. Or come and check me out on Instagram at strangely enough, 13 Whisperer. Not rocket science. This is where I'm at. This is the spaces that I sit in. So yeah, come and connect, reach out to me, DM me, whatever you want to do. Let's connect and let's talk more. Okie dokie, speak soon. Take care. Da dae.