Beyond The Label | What Your Teen Girl Really Needs - Teen Whisperer

You know that moment when your daughter does something and you immediately think, ooh, that's her ADHD. Or her anxiety. And that's it. You stop looking for clues because you feel you've got the answer. Except you haven't. And that is what I want to talk to you about today. So hi and welcome back to this podcast, The Teen Whisperer, the podcast for mums of girls, whether that's tweens, teens, or young women. I'm Rach Friedley and I am your host of this friggin' awesome podcast. A fellow mum, someone who's been there where you are right now, staring at one dot in isolation and wondering what the friggity frig is going on.

Every week we're going to slow things down together. We're going to look at what you're seeing, the behaviour, what you're thinking about said behaviour, what you're then making your thoughts mean about that behaviour, how that's then making you feel as a mum, as a woman, and what you're doing because of those feelings. Then we're going to zoom out and ask a different question. What's happening for her? Because when we stop asking what's wrong with her and start asking what's happening for her, everything begins to make a little more sense.

My hope is that every time you listen to one of my podcasts, you'll leave feeling a little more seen, a little more understood, and a lot less alone. Because do you know what? Being a mum is freaking hard, and being a mum to a girl is even harder because you're just expected to get on with it. So this podcast helps you to connect the dots. So let's dive in. Your daughter has a diagnosis or not, and suddenly you're looking at everything she does through that one lens. She has another meltdown. Mmm, is this her ADHD?

She refuses to go somewhere. Hmm, is this her anxiety? She comes home from school, college, university, work, whatever it is, and disappears upstairs for hours on end. Hmm, is this because she's autistic? And I get it, a hundred percent I get it, because when you've been worrying about your daughter for a long time, having something that seems to make sense and explain what you're seeing can feel like such a relief. Finally, somebody gets it. Something makes sense. You can put a name to it, you can understand why some things are harder for her than they seem to be for everyone else.

And perhaps if you're really honest, there's something else going on here too. Because you're desperate to know what to do to help her. Because watching your daughter struggle 24-7 can and feeling like you cannot help is one of the worst feelings in the world. I know I've been there. So if you've got a label, if your daughter's got a label or a diagnosis, you naturally start looking at it for answers, not your daughter.

Because a diagnosis, a label can be really useful, it can help you understand things, it can help your daughter understand herself, and it can help you get the right support sometimes, but it still does not tell you what's happening for her today, and that bit matters because let's take something really ordinary that's going to happen in all of your homes. Your girl daughter comes home from school, college, university, work, and she is grumpy as hell. I mean, yeah, we've all been there, haven't we?

You ask her how her day was. You get that one-word answer. Fine. You ask if anything happened. No. You ask if she wants something to eat. Guess what? No. Then you say something and she completely snaps at you. She screams blue murder in your face, she stumps up the stairs and slams the door. And you're stood there thinking, what the frigity frig just happened? Because you've literally just asked her one question. And now you're thinking, God, she's so rude. I cannot say anything without it becoming an argument.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells every single day. Why is everything so hard? And then perhaps you remember the diagnosis. Ah, this is probably her ADHD, autism, anxiety, whatever it is, and suddenly you've got an explanation, or have you?

But what happens next? That all depends on what you have made it mean. Because perhaps sometimes you're angry, you're hurt, or you're worried about her, or perhaps you're thinking about her future and wondering how she's ever going to manage if she cannot cope with something as simple as coming home from school, college, university, or work. And perhaps you then start trying to fix it. You ask yet more questions. You tell her she cannot speak to you like that. You take the phone away. You follow her upstairs, or you decide to leave her alone because she you think she cannot help it.

But then you're both stuck. She's upstairs, you're downstairs, and neither of you understands what the friggity frig just happened. So I just want you to pause there right now, because this is where I want you to zoom out with me. What happened before the behaviour?

How did she sleep last night? Did she eat properly during the day? What has school, college, university, work been like for her today? What's going on with her friends? Has she had a difficult day? And we know how bitchy girls can be. Has she spent all day concentrating and now she just leaves to let it out? Has she been holding herself together? Has she had enough movement? Has she been out in nature? Has she had enough play? And then you begin to look at it as individual dots. And of course, the diagnosis, the label is a dot too.

And remember, this is the bit we forget because we see one thing happening when we want one reason. Why is she doing this? Because if we can find the reason, then surely we'll know what to do. But remember, human beings aren't like that, and girls definitely are not. There are loads of things happening underneath what we see. And sometimes it's really hard to know which one has tipped the balance. Maybe she had a rubbish night's sleep last night. Maybe her lunch was teeny diny weeny because she didn't have time.

Maybe her friend said something that's been going round her head all afternoon. Or maybe school took everything she had, college, university, work, whatever it is. Or maybe she's been holding it together all day, and the minute she gets through that front door, she falls apart. Maybe she's desperate, her body is desperate for some movement. Maybe she wants that time alone. Maybe she needs you but doesn't know how to put it into words. Or maybe she doesn't even know what she needs. And you know what?

You don't have to either. This is the bit I really want you to hear. You are allowed to look at what's happening and think, I wonder what else is going on here. Rather than immediately deciding, ah, this is her diagnosis or her label. Because once we decide we know, we stop looking. And remember, your girl, because she's a girl, she has a 28-day cycle, she is not the same every single day. Her capacity changes, what she can cope with changes, what is happening around her changes, what is happening inside her changes.

So the same girl can manage something brilliantly on Monday and completely fall apart on the Thursday. That doesn't mean we've discovered a new problem, it just means we need to look at the bigger picture. And this is where I want you to want to bring you back into it, sorry. Because there is a little loop that happens so easily for us as mums. You see the behavior, you think something about said behavior, you make it mean something, you then feel something inside of you, and then you do something from that feeling.

And I know how quickly that happens. You see the slammed door. Rude. You make it mean she does not respect me, you feel hurt, and you go upstairs ready to tell her off. Or you see her shutting herself away, she's withdrawing from me, she doesn't like me, doesn't want me, you feel rejected, and you start pushing for a conversation because you're desperate for that connection, and suddenly the thing you were frightened of is happening, you're further apart. This is why I always bang on about the bigger picture because I want you to see what's underneath.

Not so you can become an expert, not so that you can work out exactly what's going on, just so you can pause long enough to wonder what else could be going on. Because that question is so powerful, it gives you somewhere else to go. You might still decide the diagnosis is part of it, and okay, that's fine. Of course it is, but now you're looking at everything else too. You're looking at her sleep, her food, what was going on for her at school, college, university, work. You're looking at friends, you're looking at screens, you're looking at sensory stuff.

Is she overwhelmed or has she had too little sensory impact? Movement, play, overwhelm, change, emotions, connection, and suddenly you're looking at your daughter as a whole being, not just the behaviour, not just the label, the whole thing. And this is where things start to feel a little different. Because you stop having to find the answer, you can simply start noticing she's had a rough week, she's barely slept, something is going on with her friends, or she's been holding it together all day.

Or maybe, do you know what? I have absolutely no idea, and that is okay. You can still respond with curiosity, you can still say, Do you seem absolutely shattered? Do you want some food? You can still sit nearby, you can still give her space, you can still go for a walk, you can put some music on, or you can leave the conversation until tomorrow because you're responding to the girl in front of you rather than responding to the label. And perhaps this is the biggest thing I want you to take away from this episode.

A diagnosis can give you useful information, but it does not tell you what happened today, it does not tell you whether she's eaten, does not tell you how much she's holding in, does not tell you what she needs from you tonight. So when you find yourself thinking, this must be her ADHD, or this is probably her anxiety, just pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, what am I seeing, and what am I making it mean? And then zoom out and ask yourself what else is going on here. You do not need to know, you're just looking, and sometimes that is enough to change what happens next.

Because as I've said before, and I keep talking about it, behavior is never just about one thing, and neither is your girl. So if you're listening to this podcast episode thinking, like I can see the dots, but honestly, I need somewhere to actually work this stuff out. That's exactly why I created WTF, What's the Feeling? But you know, it also means those other WTF moments too. It's a community for mums who are tired of feeling like they're constantly trying to decode their daughters on their own.

It's a place to come and talk about the stuff that's actually going on, to connect the dots, look beyond the behaviour, and start making sense of what's underneath it without feeling like you have to have all the answers. There are live calls, our online community, regular mums walks, and mum and daughter activities too. Because sometimes, do you know what? You don't need a parent, another parenting program. You need somewhere where you can connect. You need other mums who get it. You need to build that community that you can literally just go there to and they'll come back with support.

It's a place to breathe, to figure things out, to feel understood, and to remember that you're not the only one thinking, what the frigody.

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